| Today is a difficult day for me It's my brothers birthday. That's not the difficult part the difficult part is that he is not here to enjoy it. Missing him got me thinking about my pops. See they have been gone going on almost 4 years now but I don't think that I have fully let them go yet. I still feel them and talk with them as if they were still here,I could be riding along in my car and just start laughing about some of the times we've shared,and turn to my passenger seat longing to see them there laughing along with me but nope, just leather interior. You see they truly knew me, the good, the bad and the ugly but they never passed judgement. They always allowed me to be me. that's rare; Its hard enough to find one person in this world to be completely free with, I was fortunate, GOD allowed me to have two. I sit alone sometimes and wish I could see them hug them sit have a drink or just speak with them. I feel so damn empty inside without them,Its crazy because when my brother passed I remember me and pops was driving back from the funeral and the ride was so quiet, I just kept thinking to my self "what the fuck am I going to do now?" and "who the hell is going to hold me down?" And just like he always did as if he could read ya mind pops says "well you still got me" Crazy as it sounded he was absolutely correct, at that moment my heart didn't feel so heavy anymore. Then we began to talk and tell stories about my brother and instead of crying we just laughed the whole 14 hr ride home. The following year GOD saw fit to call pops home. (hold on I'm crying like shit)...aight had to take a quick shot of some Seagram's gin I'm bout to be drunk) Anyway that hurt but it was a different kind of hurt it shook me. My confidence was slowly being sucked out of me,the two men in my life who pushed me to go for any goals I wanted to go for were gone back 2 back!!! I don't mourn in a crowd so I go thru it alone,but this time there was no one there to tell me old stories and laugh with, so instead of having a heavy heart, my heart did the only thing it could do with so much weight on it my heart broke!! I have yet to mourn them, I guess I'm still in denial, I just cant seem to let them go. So today I made myself a promise I am going to mourn this morning I am going to allow my tears to flow freely and not stop them, I'm going to laugh uncontrollably and not stop, I am going to let them know they were inspirational figures in my life and we together will continue to get my goals accomplished. I AM NOT AFRAID!!! Even tho GOD took the biggest bodyguards I could have ever had on earth, I know they still got me!! So to my pops Gerald W Cole Sr.(butch) and my brother from another mother John P Nelligan(masconi) I love y'all, miss y'all, but above all will never forget y'all!! I know at times I do some things that y'all might not be proud of and believe me I can feel it when your not, but I KNOW Y'ALL RIDING WITH ME RIGHT WRONG OR INDIFFERENT!! So I toast to you both with tears running down my face and proudly let them flow and say like we used to say "CHAMPAGNE 4 MY REAL FRIENDS REAL PAIN FOR MY CHAM FRIENDS" I love you both see ya when I see ya hope I'm still making y'all proud REST IN PEACE ....1ne!!! OH AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO ....WHO LOVES YA BABY??!! ME THAT'S WHO...LOL(inside joke,im saucey who cares...I feel lite as a feather....float on baby boy float onnnnnnn.......... thanx for reading. Hazel Luciano!! |
7 comments:
I will 4ever love ya'll REST IN PEACE!!
You know I as I am reading your piece and getting teary eyed...I am realizing that I never mourned for Daddy either. I know that I am in a state of denial...can't fathem the fact that he is not in my life anymore. There are so many times that I just want to laugh with him and tell him about a story that I know only he would understand, but he is not there. I still don't think I am ready to mourn...I just close my eyes and imagine that he is still here!!
My heart was heavy for various reasons today with tears just beneath the surface.....What I have realized is this....mourning comes when it comes. It takes a really long time and no one can tell you when it will end. It never ends because just when you think you are done, up jumps a memory or a phrase or some darn thing that sends you right back to that place you thought you left behind. I miss Daddy too and yep I too rest in a state of denial or simply refusing to mourn simply because I don't want any of the memories to fade. We all have each other and there are different things we can share to keep those dear to us alive. Peace!
I've read all of your blogs and I'm blown away by your depth. Your posts are thought provoking and insightful. You are a gifted writer with much to say that moves me. I FEEL your words and emotions and I'm moved!! Thanks for being real and sharing.
Wow! I don't know what to say to this one...but I feel like I should. When I first started reading the blog, I must admit that I was a little confused. I kept asking myself, "When did his father die? Where was I? Why didn't he tell me?" Then it made sense to me...you were talking about Butch! "Breathe," I told myself...I miss him too. I remember not allowing myself to mourn him because the people closest to him seemed to be handling it so well. I didn't know him long...I was so far away...perhaps I thought I didn't have the right to. I pretended he was still here...in New York. Your blog reminded me...I guess I do need to mourn...one day.
In the words of India Arie, "You have touched my soul. You are my hero. You are wonderful." You're an old soul...you feel deep...you love hard...live life to the fullest...That's what God does. God lives...loves...does not pass judgement...never forgets so no need for RE-MEMBER-ING....keep each memory close to heart and alive in the present moment and as you ride and reminicse...and as the smiles make way, and the tears grace your cheeks...inhale the miracle of life. I'm so happy to see you embracing your gift...your words a gift to us all. In your own thoughts, you keep them alive in YOUR heart, letting the voice in your soul free, keeps them alive in every story you share in hearts all over the world. Keep sharing! May each day of you life be filled with love,light, and harmony. Be blessed. I see God in you!
"We can only see with open eyes. We can only listen with open ears. We can only think with open minds."
I couldn't even finish reading it cause a knott was in my throat. Gosh hazel you can make chills go through a persons body with this one. Took me back to a place with my mother yo. On some real stuff. I am almost in tears right now with this one. You took my back to my last year with sandra tisdale 1998. Gosh how I miss that lady!! Love ya for this one.
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